There is a lot of bad advice out there in the realm of betrayal recovery. Scrolling Tik Tok late at night can make you feel confused, and in an even more downward spiral than you were. If one more well-meaning person tells you to “just forgive” or “move on” or “once a cheater, always a cheater,” I want you to know that this advice isn’t just unhelpful—it can actually keep you stuck in a healing loop. There’s a real reason why following conventional wisdom makes healing from betrayal trauma feel impossible, not easier.
You can watch the full video below or scroll down to read the post instead.
The Problem with “Helpful” Betrayal Recovery Advice
If you’ve experienced betrayal, you’ve probably been bombarded with well-meaning advice that not only doesn’t work but actually makes your healing harder. In my previous video, we talked about why betrayal literally hijacks your nervous system and why you’re not losing your mind—your body is responding exactly as it should.
But today I want to break down the most common pieces of advice that people give, why they’re actually harmful to healing from betrayal trauma, and what works instead.
The Big Offenders: Advice That Actually Hurts Your Recovery
“Just Forgive Them” – The Most Damaging Betrayal Advice
This might be the most damaging advice someone in betrayal recovery can receive. Here’s why:
Forgiveness isn’t a light switch you flip. It’s not a decision you make with your thinking mind. Forgiveness is a felt sense that emerges when your nervous system feels safe enough to let go.
When someone tells you to “just forgive,” they’re essentially asking you to override your body’s natural protective response. They’re asking you to bypass the part of you that’s still in survival mode, still trying to keep you safe.
Real forgiveness—if and when it comes—happens from a place of nervous system regulation, not from spiritual bypassing or people-pleasing. And here’s the thing: You don’t have to forgive to heal. Healing your nervous system, rebuilding your sense of safety, learning to trust yourself again—none of that requires forgiveness.
“Move On” / “Focus on the Future” – Why This Advice Fails
This advice fundamentally misunderstands how trauma works. You can’t “move on” from something your body is still holding. You can’t focus on the future when your nervous system is stuck in the past, replaying and trying to make sense of what happened.
Your body needs to complete the trauma response cycle before it can move forward. This means:
- Feeling what needs to be felt
- Processing what needs to be processed
- Allowing your nervous system to discharge the activation that got stuck during the betrayal
When people tell you to “move on,” they’re asking you to abandon yourself at the moment you need yourself most during healing from betrayal trauma.
“It Takes Two” / “What Was Your Part in This?” – Victim-Blaming Disguised as Wisdom
This is victim-blaming disguised as wisdom. While relationships are co-created, betrayal is a unilateral choice. The person who chose to lie, cheat, or deceive is 100% responsible for that choice.
This advice is particularly harmful because betrayal already makes you question your reality. It can make you feel shame, like you’re the one who caused the betrayal—and that’s exactly why it’s so damaging to your recovery process.
When someone asks “what was your part?” they’re asking you to take responsibility for someone else’s choices, which further destabilizes your sense of truth and self-trust.
“Just Think Positive” / “Everything Happens for a Reason” – Toxic Positivity in Recovery
Toxic positivity in betrayal recovery is especially damaging because it asks you to abandon your authentic emotional experience. Your anger, your grief, your rage—these aren’t negative emotions to be fixed. They’re information. They’re your psyche’s way of helping you process what happened.
When you try to positive-think your way through betrayal trauma, you’re essentially gaslighting yourself. You’re telling your body that its natural responses are wrong, which creates more dysregulation, not less.
Why Does This Bad Advice Persist in Betrayal Recovery?
Here’s the hard truth: This advice isn’t really for you. It’s for the people giving it.
Betrayal is highly stigmatized in our culture and deeply frowned upon because it can cause so much harm. Betrayal also makes people uncomfortable. It reminds them that their own relationships could be vulnerable. It forces them to confront the reality that bad things happen to good people for no reason at all.
When someone tells you to “just get over it,” they’re really saying: “Your pain makes me uncomfortable, and I need you to stop reminding me that this could happen to me too.”
What Actually Works for Healing From Betrayal Trauma
Real healing from betrayal happens when you:
Work with Your Body, Not Against It – Somatic Healing Approaches
This means learning to feel your feelings somatically—in your body—rather than trying to think your way through them. It means understanding that healing happens through your nervous system, not through your mind.
Honor Your Timeline – Betrayal Recovery Isn’t Linear
Betrayal recovery isn’t linear. You don’t “get over it” on schedule. Some days you’ll feel strong, some days you’ll feel shattered, and both are part of the process. Your body will heal at the pace it needs to heal.
Rebuild Your Relationship with Your Own Intuition – Trusting Yourself Again
Betrayal teaches us not to trust ourselves. Real healing involves learning to trust yourself again, to believe your own perceptions, to know that your feelings are valid information.
Focus on Nervous System Regulation First – The Foundation of Recovery
Before you can make big decisions about your relationship or your life, you need to get out of constant fight-or-flight. You need to find your way back to a regulated state where you can think clearly.
Get Support That Understands Trauma – Finding the Right Help
Not all therapy or coaching is equipped to handle betrayal trauma. You need someone who understands nervous system work, who won’t rush you toward forgiveness or closure, who can hold space for the full complexity of what you’re experiencing.
The Truth About Healing From Betrayal Trauma
Here’s what I wish someone had told me: Healing from betrayal isn’t about getting back to who you were before. It’s about becoming someone who can hold the fullness of human experience—the beauty and the betrayal, the love and the loss—without falling apart.
It’s about developing an unshakeable relationship with yourself. It’s about learning that you can survive having your world turned upside down and still find your way back to wholeness.
This kind of healing doesn’t happen through positive thinking or premature forgiveness. This kind of healing happens through courage—the courage to feel what’s true, to trust your own experience, and to refuse to abandon yourself even when it feels like everyone else is asking you to.
What’s Next in Your Recovery Journey
In my next video, we’ll get practical. I’ll share specific somatic practices that can help you start feeling like yourself again, even if you don’t know who that is anymore. Even if you feel completely disconnected from your own body and your own truth.
Because you deserve healing that actually works. You deserve support that doesn’t gaslight you or rush you or ask you to be smaller than you are.
And you deserve to know that what you’re feeling right now? It’s not too much. It’s exactly what makes sense.
Ready for more support? Learn more about my betrayal recovery programs here.
