How to Fix a Relationship

Wondering how to fix your relationship? Begin by assessing the #1 destructor of relationships:

Contempt.

Contempt, as defined in the dictionary, is the:

Lack of respect or reverence for something. 

This feeling, when it seeps into a relationship, can be a poison that erodes the very foundation of love and connection you’ve built with your partner. 

Unlike other negative emotions that might flare up in a moment of disagreement, contempt carries a weight of judgment and superiority that can be particularly destructive.

Understanding Contempt and Its Counterparts: Respect and Reverence

To fully grasp the impact of contempt, it’s helpful to understand its opposites: respect and reverence.

Respect means giving particular attention to someone, and acknowledging their worth and humanity.

Reverence goes a step further, embodying honor and a deep form of respect.

Both are crucial ingredients for a healthy and thriving relationship.

The Destructive Nature of Contempt

Contempt is not just another negative emotion: It’s a state that contracts the heart and closes off the possibility of understanding and empathy. 

It manifests as disdain, scorn, and a feeling of superiority over your partner. This stance of being “better than” or “above” your partner is not only harmful but is often cited as a predictor of relationship failure.

But why do we find ourselves in the grip of contempt? 

Often, it’s a reflection of deeper issues within ourselves. A lack of respect for our partner might mirror a lack of self-respect.

We may be stuck in a cycle of judging ourselves harshly and projecting these judgments outward to avoid facing our pain.

How Contempt Shows Up in Our Relationships 

In a relationship, contempt might manifest during a seemingly mundane conversation about weekend plans.

Picture one partner suggesting a quiet night in, only for the other to respond with a sarcastic, “Because you’re so good at picking movies, right?”

This retort, dripping with disdain, implies not just a judgment on their choice of films but suggests an underlying disrespect for their partner’s preferences and decisions.

Such moments, when repeated, can erode trust and warmth, spotlighting the critical need for strategies on how to fix a relationship affected by contempt.

The Science of Contempt that Leads to Divorce 

John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, identifies contempt as the single most potent predictor of divorce.

Through extensive studies and observations, Gottman found that contempt—more than any other negative communication pattern—erodes the foundation of a partnership. It’s not just an occasional negative interaction but a persistent attitude of superiority that can lead to a breakdown in mutual respect and affection.

Contempt acts like a corrosive acid on a relationship’s bond, signaling deep-seated resentment and a lack of admiration.

Understanding this can be crucial for couples who are looking into how to fix a relationship, as addressing and eliminating contempt becomes a pivotal step toward healing and rebuilding their connection.

Investigating the Roots of Contempt: A Key to Relationship Recovery

If contempt has crept into your relationship, it’s time for some introspection. 

Consider whether your contempt is really about your partner, or if it’s a manifestation of your internal struggles. 

Sometimes, the origins of our contempt can be traced back to early experiences, setting a default emotional state that we might not even be conscious of. 

Alternatively, could contempt be signaling that you’re in the wrong relationship?

 It might serve as a protective mechanism, albeit a toxic one, that’s trying to guide you out of a situation that’s not right for you.

Moving Beyond Contempt: Steps for How to Fix a Relationship

Identifying the source of your contempt is the first step toward freeing yourself from its grip. 

This journey involves cultivating a deeper respect and reverence, not just for your partner, but for yourself and the world around you. The path out of contempt is not quick or easy, but it leads to a place of greater understanding, empathy, and connection.

Embracing respect and reverence over contempt doesn’t just improve your relationship; it enriches your life. 

It allows you to approach the world with an open heart, fostering connections that are based on genuine love and appreciation. So, take the time to investigate the roots of your contempt. 

The journey may be challenging, but the destination—a life filled with more respect, love, and connection—is undoubtedly worth it.

How to Fix a Relationship by Investigating Contempt 

Here are some self-reflection questions that may help identify and eventually reduce the contempt in your relationship.

Do I feel superior to my partner?

Reflect on whether you often feel like your choices, opinions, or ways of doing things are better than your partner’s.

How do I speak to my partner during disagreements?

Consider the tone and words you use when you disagree. Are they dismissive, sarcastic, or demeaning?

What emotions am I feeling when I react with contempt?

Try to pinpoint the emotions that precede your contemptuous reactions. Are you feeling hurt, ignored, or perhaps insecure?

Do I hold unresolved resentment towards my partner?

Contemplate if there are past grievances or issues that you haven’t fully addressed or let go of, which might be feeding your contempt.

Am I often critical of my partner, even in my mind?

Notice if you have a habit of mentally criticizing your partner for their actions, choices, or even their personality.

How do I view my partner’s contributions and achievements?

Assess whether you undervalue or dismiss your partner’s contributions to your relationship or their achievements outside of it.

What are my expectations for my partner and our relationship?

Think about whether your expectations are realistic and if unmet expectations are leading to feelings of contempt.

How do I react to my partner’s mistakes or flaws?

Reflect on your reactions to your partner’s mistakes or flaws. Are they compassionate, or do they lean towards ridicule or scorn?

Where might my feelings of superiority be coming from?

Consider the deeper roots of any feelings of superiority. Could they be linked to your insecurities, past experiences, or even societal and cultural influences?

Am I willing to see my partner’s perspective and value their experiences?

Evaluate your openness to genuinely understand and value your partner’s viewpoint and experiences, even when they differ from your own.

Reach out for Help 

If you find yourself caught in the cycle of contempt and wondering how to fix a relationship,  reach out to Brigitte for a free consultation. Together, you can explore personalized strategies to transform contempt into connection, setting your relationship on a path of healing and growth.