Being Honest in Relationships
Being honest crucial in any partnership to establish trust and intimacy.
But what is honesty, and how honest do we need to be? Do we share everything that’s going on inside of us with our partner?
Do we need to divulge our inner, darkest secrets to our partner, or should we keep those to ourselves?And what happens when we are not honest?
In this article, we will delve into the significance of honesty in relationships and how it contributes to building successful partnerships.
What Does Being Honest Truly Mean in a Partnership?
Being honest with your partner means accessing your thoughts, feelings, worries, and joys – and having the consciousness to share these authentically.
It means allowing yourself to be vulnerable so that your partner to truly see you and understand what you’re going through.
Since we may not know how to do that, I’ve compiled some examples of what sharing ourselves with our partner might look like:
Sharing True Feelings
Imagine you’re feeling a bit left out because your partner has been spending a lot of time on a new hobby without you. Instead of keeping it to yourself or getting upset, you say, “Hey, I’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately with all the time you’ve been putting into your hobby. I miss us doing things together. Can we plan some time just for us?”
Sharing Goals
Suppose you’ve been dreaming about going back to school to change careers, but you’re worried about how it might affect your relationship. You decide to open up and share, “I’ve been thinking a lot about going back to school. It’s a big goal of mine, but I’m concerned about how it might change our routine. I’d love to hear your thoughts and figure out how we can make it work together.”
Sharing Worries
Let’s say you’re anxious about an upcoming move and how it will impact your relationship. Instead of pretending everything is okay, you express your concerns, “This move is really weighing on me. I’m worried about how it might stress us out and change things between us. I think we need to talk about how we can support each other through this.”
Is Complete Transparency Necessary in Sharing Our Thoughts?
Being honest doesn’t mean sharing every single thought.
Some truths can be harmful because they might hurt the other person’s feelings, damage trust, or destabilize the partner’s self-esteem.
Here are a few examples of things to share judiciously with your partner.
Criticism About Personal Choices or Traits
Making harsh judgments or criticisms about aspects that define a person, such as their career, intelligence, or the way they look can be incredibly hurtful. For instance, openly telling your partner that they are not smart or attractive enough can have a detrimental impact on their confidence in feeling supported by you.
Unresolved Feelings for Someone Else
Confessing that you have unresolved romantic feelings for someone else, especially if you’re in contact with the person, can deeply hurt your partner and jeopardize the trust and commitment in your current relationship. If this is something you must reveal, do it with the help of a coach or a therapist to figure out what may be lying underneath that needs to be resolved.
Comparisons to Past Relationships
Sharing unfavorable comparisons between your current partner and past relationships can create feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and inadequacy, ultimately harming the unique bond you share with your partner. You don’t need to tell your partner you were more attracted to your ex, or anything of the likes!
Disparaging Family or Friends
Voicing negative opinions about your partner’s close family or friends can put them in a difficult position, creating tension between their loyalty to you and their existing relationships. This can lead to feelings of isolation or forced choice.
Hiding Significant Mistakes
While revealing these can be harmful, hiding significant mistakes and having them discovered later can be even more damaging. The initial harm comes from the act itself, but the deceit can cause a profound breach of trust.
Unsolicited Negative Feedback on Sensitive Topics
Giving unsolicited advice or feedback on highly sensitive topics, such as body image or deeply held beliefs, can be very harmful, especially if it aligns with areas of personal insecurity or vulnerability.
In each of these cases, the harm comes not just from the content of the truth but also from the lack of empathy, consideration, and constructive intent in how it’s shared. Balancing honesty with kindness and understanding is key to minimizing harm.
How Can We Cultivate Greater Honesty Within Our Relationship?
Establish a Safe Environment for Honesty
Creating a culture of honesty involves encouraging vulnerability and open communication. It also involves inner work for both partners.
A healthy relationship will create an environment where individuals feel safe to express their true feelings, fears, and emotions without fear of judgment. It involves encouraging people to show their authentic selves and share their internal experiences with others. This can help build trust and deepen connections within relationships.
By sharing your truths and emotions, you also set the stage for your partner to do the same. This art is called relating, and it takes practice and willingness to do this with integrity.
Practice Compassionate Honesty
When sharing difficult truths, it’s crucial to practice compassionate honesty.
An example of compassionate honesty might look like this:
Lisa is concerned about Mark’s health. She sees him skipping meals and neglecting his exercise routine. Instead of being critical, she chooses to be compassionate. Lisa waits for a quiet moment to talk to Mark. She expresses her worry and mentions missing their activities together. Lisa asks Mark how he is feeling and if there is anything on his mind.
Lisa’s approach to her conversation with Mark demonstrates a balance of honesty and empathy. She addresses her concerns about his health with care and understanding, creating a safe environment for open communication.
This approach fosters a sense of connection and support between them.
Practice Gradual Transparency
If you’re not sure how to do practice transparency, here are some examples of how to begin to share yourself with your partner – starting with the lighter topics and growing to share more of your vulnerable parts.
Preferences and Likes
During a cozy evening, Max mentions to Alex, “I’ve realized I love Italian food more than anything. How about we make homemade pizza this weekend?”
Minor Annoyances: After a few instances, Sofia gently tells Luca, “It bothers me a little when you leave your wet towels on the bed. Could we maybe hang them up right after showers?”
Personal Hobbies or Interests: In a moment of sharing, Emma reveals to Noah, “I’ve always been passionate about writing poetry. I’m thinking about joining a local writers’ group.”
Work-Related Stress: Feeling a need for support, Liam confides in Olivia, “Lately, work has been so demanding. It’s been tough, and I could use a way to de-stress.”
Past Experiences: During a heartfelt walk, Ava shares with Ethan, “I had a challenging time during my first job out of college. It taught me a lot about resilience.”
Fears and Insecurities: In a vulnerable moment, Zoe admits to Dylan, “Sometimes, I worry I’m not living up to my potential. It’s something I’m trying to work on.”
Family Dynamics: Trusting deeply, Mia opens up to Jack, “My relationship with my siblings isn’t as simple as it seems. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years.”
Deep Desires and Dreams: With a blend of excitement and fear, Charlie confides in Harper, “I’ve always dreamed of traveling the world for a year. It’s a big dream, and honestly, it scares me a bit.”
Past Traumas: In a moment of profound trust, Grace shares with Henry, “I experienced something in my past that I haven’t talked about much. It was a period of loss that still affects me.”
Core Beliefs and Vulnerabilities: With deep emotion, Lucas shares with Ellie, “I’ve always struggled with feeling truly worthy of love. Opening up to you like this scares me, but I trust you more than anyone.”
Recognizing Authenticity: How Do We Know We’re Being Genuine?
Authenticity ensures that there’s no discrepancy between what we say and what we do. If we claim to value honesty, our actions should reflect that, avoiding deceit or infidelity.
Being genuine means that our intentions and actions are rooted in respect and love for our partner, reinforcing the commitment not to engage in behaviors that would harm the relationship, such as straying or betraying.
This congruence between our inner and outer worlds not only strengthens the relationship but also builds a personal and shared sense of integrity, where both partners feel secure, valued, and understood.
The Delicate Nature of Being Honest: When Truth Hurts
Navigating Honesty with Care
While being honest is virtuous, some truths can hurt. The art lies in communicating your honesty with sensitivity and using thoughtful language and “I” statements to cushion the impact.
This approach ensures that honesty acts as a conduit for growth, not a source of broken trust.
In the case of Alex and Jordan, their relationship has always been built on trust and openness. However, Alex has recently picked up on subtle hints that Jordan has started smoking again, a habit he had quit years ago, and is now hiding. Concerned and wanting to address both the smoking and the secrecy, Alex waits for a calm moment to bring it up, saying with a soft directness, “I’ve noticed some signs that you might be smoking again, and it seems like you haven’t felt comfortable sharing that with me. I’m really worried about your health, especially knowing how hard you worked to quit before. I understand there might be stress or reasons behind it, but I’m here for you, and I hope we can talk about what’s going on and find ways to support each other.”
By approaching the topic with empathy and without accusation, Alex aims to create a space for Jordan to share his struggles, reinforcing the importance of honesty and mutual support in navigating challenges together.
Why is it so hard to be honest?
Being honest can feel daunting because it exposes our most genuine selves, making us vulnerable to judgment or rejection. This fear often stems from past experiences where honesty led to negative outcomes, or from a deep-seated worry about disrupting the harmony within our relationships.
Emotional regulation plays a pivotal role in navigating these fears, as it allows us to manage our reactions to the potential consequences of our honesty.
By developing skills in emotional regulation, we can approach sensitive conversations with a calm and clear mindset, reducing the anxiety associated with being vulnerable. This ensures that our honesty not only stems from a place of integrity but is also communicated in a considerate and constructive way.
Emotional Regulation Using The Breath
The 4×4 breathing exercise is a simple way to help calm your mind and get your emotions under control. Here’s how you do it: First, make sure you’re sitting or standing in a comfy spot. Then, breathe in slowly through your nose, counting to four in your head as you do it. Feel your belly go out as you fill up with air. Hold that breath for another four counts, kind of like you’re pausing for a moment. After that, slowly let the air out through your mouth, counting to four. Doing this a few times, like a loop, helps slow everything down – your heart rate, those racing thoughts, and that jittery feeling you get when you’re stressed or upset. It’s like hitting a reset button for your body and brain, making you feel more relaxed and ready to work with any conversation.
What Happens When We’re Not Being Honest?
Dishonesty in relationships can result in a breakdown of trust and negative consequences.
When there is a lack of transparency in a relationship, misunderstandings and resentment can arise. Partners may feel deceived or undervalued, leading to a lack of genuine connection and intimacy.
Feeling disconnected in a relationship may cause doubt and insecurity, often due to a lack of trust.
Avoiding honesty with ourselves and our partners can prevent personal and relational growth, keeping us stuck in unfulfilling patterns.
Overall, a lack of honesty can harm the bond between partners and affect emotional well-being.
Resources for Being Honest
Honest communication and sharing your true feelings is a skill. So is building the muscle to have empathy both for yourself and your partner. Coaching can help improve communication skills by helping each partner learn to access their thoughts and feelings more deeply, and bringing those out to the surface.
An excellent book on this subject is Tell Me No Lies by Ellyn Bader.
If you’re finding yourself needing support with being honest, click here to book a free consultation with Brigitte.
